Dear XYZ,

We just sent my mom off at the airport earlier this morning. The last time I was at the airport, I was picking her up. Y hasn’t been born yet, I’m now a dad. Before everything happened, I wasn’t quite sure how she would take being here, coming to live with us. It had been a while since I’ve lived that closely with my mom, so I had some worries about how things might transpire.

I’ve heard before that humans are more loss-averse than we are gain-seeking. Coming back home, I noticed that the house is left with the trails of her presence — a few boxes to be recycled, certain things in the kitchen placed in a manner that only she would do. But more clearly felt is the void that was left in her absence. There is a saying that goes, “Don’t make your presence known. Make your absence felt.” This is how I feel right now.

My mom, by her own account, loves to sew, cook, and look after kids. And the latter shows when she’s interacting with Y. She really enjoys her time with Y. And Y reciprocates, he’s excited to be around grandma. I know that my mom will be there for me when I need her. No one’s perfect, my mom has her own flaws, but she is always trying to be better and I feel like that’s a pretty rare trait nowadays. Especially as someone who’s older, it’s easy to say “I’ve seen it all”, but she’s willing to listen, understand and learn new things. I really hope that I can retain that level of open-mindedness as I grow older.

Walking by the room left empty by her, there’s a sense that something is missing. I don’t want to sound too morbid, but I think I know what her death would feel like now. I would really miss her.

And perhaps this is mixed in with all my emotions of being a new dad — I recall my mom telling me that she felt depressed for a period of time when all of us kids left home. Coincidentally, my siblings and I progressively emptied out of our parents’ house within the span of about a year. Around 20+ years of family commotion reduced to pin-drop silence; I can see why she felt that way much more than before now. Dealing with that empty nest must’ve felt a bit like mini-deaths. A bunch of previously filled rooms, now vacant.

I’m going to try to turn the way I feel at this moment into action by trying my best to include my parents into my life as I grow my own family, before their time here comes to an end.

xoxo,
K